The Life Unfinished

I had a feeling today that many people were dying.  In the news, at least, and in the news that is the digital feed.  I feel as though car accidents and unfortunate incidents are afoot.  And I feel the biggest tragedy is that the art of a life story was abruptly left…in a cliffhanger, almost.  Maybe almost literally.  And that ink cannot be refreshed to start writing anew.  Death is a strange predicament.

I spoke to a coworker.  Someone well liked in the community was struck by a car.  Dead.  A student, no less, with all of the potential in the world.  It’s so strange we put emphasis on the youth that was robbed.  We do not know that he was to do great things.  But it is rather that lack of realization that we mourn.  He didn’t have a chance to fail us or wow us.  He just died….too soon. 

I would be mad if I died and if I could feel anger at moment of death which is unlikely.  I have so many plans for this world.  Yet it is sobering to see how my drawn out plans may be an undoing of a lifetime.  The sheer amount of time to accomplish things means I have all the more opportunity to die before I am accepting of that death.  But really…who accepts death?  Running out of time is the stuff of nightmares.  I may not sleep tonight if I dwell on this much longer.

I have a fish room not finished.  If I dropped dead tomorrow, I would be ashamed to leave my mess for someone else to clean up.  I want to be remembered for good things………

but that is the silly part of the matter.

Who is really remembered?


Fall Splendor

How can I continue to show you the wonder of our human life?  The curse, and the wonder….
It’s cold and hailing and sleeting in Michigan.  It’s almost November, and this is not unusual.  But there is still so much to smile about.

I got that job at the pet store, which is why I’m so busy.  Not that “busy” was unfamiliar territory for me in the past.  I have that insider situation I always wanted, and pulled maybe my fifth shift today.  No volunteering any more; I’m paying for my hobby.  Tuesday I have my pick of Microctenopoma  ansorgii.  First served and discounted out the door.  It’s a beautiful life.

This weekend is also the GVAC auction.  I’m making it a priority for my job and for my hobby and my well-being also.  You know what they say….if you do what you love….

I don’t feel like I’m working.  I feel like I’m physically active and a bit underfed, but I’m rarely bored with the job.  Either job.

As usual, I sought to take a different route.  Leaving my shift at Preuss, I was so….hungry.  Two hours til class.  I wasn’t worried.  But the bus stop….wait for 40 minutes you say?  I say, take Lansing River Trail instead.  Boy do I love this city… unprecedented gem that i wouldn’t discover any other way if not for days that I take chances.

You gotta look at every experience in your day as enrichment….it’s a way to learn and expand and live a fulfilled life.  I walked that trail and noted so many kid-friendly stops on the way to the lansing center.  Jungle gyms to the left and the river to the right.  I wanted to scout for fish or macroinvertebrates but the fact of the matter is the water is too murky.  I still peeked from time to time.

The City Market greeted me partway, and I couldn’t deny my curiosity.  I had heard of things being sold local and fresh.  I walked in like a kid in a candy store……a cheese and produce candy store, to be exact.

I could contemplate a million ways why this is awesome.  The problem with shipping food from far and wide.  But I will sum it up as such:  Fresh food is simply better.  I tasted cheese I never knew could be so flavorful.  And I smiled.

Yes, it is cold.  But you don’t notice it so much if you’re moving.  Or if you’re eating natural foods.  On the last leg of my journey….upon completion of class lecture and a simultaneous nap…..I met the world with a mind full of satiation.

What a wonder it is to be a human.  We are the most accommodated animals on this planet.  We can be in the midst of a snowstorm but still sleep soundly in 70 degree housing.  We can eat food so rich and we never had to prepare.  We can keep tanks full of fish and train them to appreciate our bountiful lives.  If you can be unhappy knowing this, I don’t think you’ve yet understood the world.

Have you seen it lately?

I don’t know that I believe you.

Thursday Floods

It is now nearing the end of another week and my mind is flooded with thoughts and impulses so similar to the raindrops that push the height of the Red Cedar.  Drip, drop.  Another contemplation and maybe another inch. 

I’m facing the same dilemma a lot of Michiganders are at this moment:  A week ago I was buying ice cream and saying how beautiful the weather is.  Today it’s dreary and unforgiving.  Like it is finally Autumn.  It’s also funny because I just left my first class…and we spoke of climate change and species migration and how the photo period is altered as the seasons get pushed further and further back.  I wondered, what would the day be like for humans when a White Christmas is but a legend?  or something like that.  Fourth of July could get cold.  We would all be off a little.  Like I am today.  

Not to say I’m not excited!  there is another fun weekend in store for me if I pull it off.  I always find it a great mystery whether I come out on top after such adventures.  I intend to; I’m always confident.  I had an exam yesterday and worried so little during and after and before.  Tomorrow I have an exam bright ‘n early.  I guess I start studying now.  But I’m not rushed or stressed to that end. 


I find the bus people amusing, but also utterly repulsive at times.  I wish I could run some tests or surveys to figure out just how pervasive the use of the word “ain’t” and the phrase “Do me like that” truly is.  Because in my slice of the world, it’s a total plague. I can always tell quite quickly who of the bus folk is headed to college and which are the locals.  The ones fighting about food stamps and places to live over their iphone speakers stand out as winners in society.  I don’t mean to place judgement, but it makes me uncomfortable.  And also completely baffled.  I know we share such similar brains and potential.  What road did they take to place them in this degree of laziness and ignorance?  Or maybe I’m just wrong.  Still, the thoughts amuse me daily.  As I struggle to make the time.

I’m interviewing for Preuss Pets tomorrow.  I’m so….so pleased, actually.  Everyone says I got this in the bag.  Maybe it’s because I doodled fish set ups for the better part of my last class period…..when I wasn’t fascinated by the lecture material completely.  I have such plans for this world…..

The thoughts just keep flooding.

The Aching


There is a toxic lack of health and wholesome feeling here.  I had a tremendously accomplished weekend but my physical form is less than ideal.  Just today and maybe this week.  It’s like I can feel the knots forming in my back and neck and shoulders.  Too much lifting or strenuous activity.  Backpacks are built to kill. 

I leave some fish chores and animal tasks to be completed.  I shall return…..sometime.  I’m out for a bit today.  My body screams for bed and maybe eternal sleep.  I joke.  Maybe a week-long coma would be nice.  I’ll figure out the cure to what ails me.  Soon, I hope.  Or my time with school and work and life may be compromised. 

It’s like something in my ribcage.  My heart is beating abnormally fast for most, but peculiarly spot-on for me.  I want to rip it all out and lay out my body for mending.  Take me into a shop; I’m broke. 

It’s not that life isn’t beautiful.  It’s that my body hates what I ask of it.  And I shall pay a small price til normal functioning resumes.  Let this be a lesson never learned…..

A Question of Escapism

We all do it.  We enter a land powered by a vast connection called internet.  We carry phones that cannot leave our side.  We play games that hold no weight and do not exist.  We drink and smoke and do things to make the “life” go away.  It’s…..honestly disturbing.  When you get to the root, and push past this “we” artificially employed.  This is a culture of people who do not care for reality.  So they invent their own, but in a much more harmful manner.

I read some articles recently that clearly stated the harm our technology inflicts.  If you are drawn into that smart phone, you might not notice an armed and disgruntled citizen.  Until it’s too late.  If you blast your headphones while walking the streets, you increase your risk of injury and accident.  These things really happen.  Repeated button pushing and finger tapping actually cause minor stress to the joints and muscles and add up to a traumatic injury.  Like slow and painful death brought about by our own choice.  But is there a choice? 


Why are you escaping?  What are you running from?  What of this world isn’t satisfying? 

Do you see no harm? 

One day, you will.  When the generation of tech-hungry humans decides they don’t care about basic survival.  Whoops.  we already don’t.

I sense the escapism is simply understood when you take into account the vast amount of awful events plaguing the planet.  When you take into account the unnecessary routines and laws and stresses.  And lifestyles meant for anything but us. 

I see no sense in escaping.  No life can be better than that presented.  Why are you harming your experience?  Why are you ignoring the true beauty and letting it rot so you can pretend you are an elf or a celebrity or something completely nonexistent? 

Why not build beauty with your copious hours of boredom?  The world IS at your fingertips.

Just not in the sense of touch screens. 

A Breath of Optimism

It’s 1 AM.  I just finished washing the smoke out of my hair.  That smoky, persistent poison that follows the nicotine habit.  I had an unexpected guest tonight.  The repercussions of that open invitation are debatable.  But at least my hair smells like apples now. 

It’s a small inconvenience, actually.  To stay up a few hours extra and endure the second hand smoke.  So small, when you think of a daughter disowned and essentially homeless.  Someone I grew up with in sorts.  The contrast has never been more stark.  It’s like one side of the fence and the other in the space of a living room.  One full of love and one with a less full cup.  Furthermore, the culture was quite different.  This guest has seen things I can’t hardly imagine.  As I have seen things she could never dream.  How could there ever be a comparison when lives are our own to guide?  It’s a matter of birth, really.  My parents set me for the world in ways her’s refused or could not.  I gave her my goodwill donations which were hungrily accepted.  But she seems so normal if you follow the internet.  She could be me and I could be her. 

I had the barriers throughout the encounter which were inevitable.  She wanted to talk gossip.  I was more….hesitant.  I was supposed to provide crafts but I was caught off guard when i realized my company was desired for this purpose.  I’m so tired.  But figuring out this puzzle gave me a fresh perspective.  I’m going to deal with these types of people and more.  I have to expect the unexpected if I ever want to see change in the world.  This is my destiny. 

As I sit here, free of the company of a friend but who is not a friend, I’m only hoping now she smiled. I hope we both gained.  Mostly I’m going to believe it for that is my take on life now.  I have enriched her life as she has enriched mine in the last few hours.  I love what I have.  I’m also ashamed for having so much. 

My goodwill donations are no longer a chore.  I needed a shower anyways.  I got to make someone happier and less lonely.  I know to postpone further craft nights now.  But also, I got the great chance to experience a new interaction.  I have expanded my circle or my zone.  I’m less comfortable but I’m happy I have my home to retreat to in these exercises.  I’m happy to be alive.  I’m happy.  I’m happy.  I’m a happy bird. 

The Boom and Bust

Today I had to choose from two exciting events:  Southwestern Michigan Aquarium Society Fall Auction or Lansing Reptile Show.  Since my meeting was yesterday, I felt I owed some attention to the herps in my life.  So the Reptile Show got defaulted to my activity for the day.  Unfortunately, it was a bust.

It was sufficient to meet my basic needs, but the room was half empty and vendors sparse, in that sense.  For the first hour, nobody showed.  Barely.  A few people here and there.  It didn’t do so hot last month either, and it saddens me that two months in and Lansing is due to lose this attraction.  Was it an attraction?  Did it attract anybody?  A few, but not enough.  So we complain.  I’m happy enough to continue, but odds are it won’t last.

Meanwhile, the real reptile enthusiasts made it to Tinley Park for an extravaganza of a show.  I had not a clue, and it’s really not my forte.  However, the fact of the matter is….the crowd potential in Lansing became ever slimmer.  Some places boom and some places bust.  Some cycle, but Lansing is the town that never was.

Also of note, my beloved society of origin (SWMAS) has lost membership.  Aquarium societies in many areas are dying.  Almost quite literally.  Here I am, a young adult woman (I think?) eagerly participating in the hobby.  But my peers number fewer by the…..well, by some span of time.  It’s not a booming hobby.  Likewise, the auction saw only 300 bags and a general lack of interest.  It sucks.  Sucks hard.

I’m in the running to get a job at Preuss Pets.  I want a booming clientele for the freshwater department to follow.  But we all know I’m a bit ambitious by now.  So ambitious I fail to hit the blog as I promised.  So type away I shall.  And maybe inspire a few new aquariums and allow their owner success. 

Today is not an awful day.  And nothing is wrong, except maybe the proportion of the population that flocks to football but leaves hobby venues bare.  That seems a bit….unsettling.  I only mention because an atrocious crowd of people hindered my travels to work this weekend.  In the name of……pigskin.  Men clashing and a pointless goal.  Why.

Why does this boom as an industry, but not enough people can dedicate their time to a hobby in need?  or two?
I don’t get it, and I fear I never will.  People can be the most predictable and also the most unpredictable.   But not a standard citizen and a fish hobbyist.  Or reptile enthusiast. 

The lack of concern.
Concerns me.