I’m a fish geek girl. Why are you bothering me with affection? You know I am not capable by now. You know I do not know what to do with it. These are the thoughts that plague me, when I’m left an empty shell of what I should be. I sincerely wish you happiness. But I mourn the loss of my own….
It’s raining softly tonight. I saw two of my suitors, nearly back to back. I can hardly tell what I’m doing, why I entertain them both in one evening. Putting on my best smile, trying not to stumble with words. They are aware of each other. Neither appears to be perturbed by the other man’s role in my life. It’s at a standstill. And all I really want to do much of the time is take care of my fish tanks, and relish a few moments of human interaction. Maybe the animal is there, too. I wouldn’t mind showing them. But my need for human company drives me to this situation. Where I realize I do not belong with any of them or to any, but that I need one or both simultaneously. By not belonging, I can accommodate more than one. At least in an emotional way. It leaves my emotions drained. I know I’m out to satisfy the lives of others on a temporary basis. That’s what my life has become. It makes my life unsatisfactory on some nights. Other nights, I feel tremendously on top of the world. I guess not in this instance. I mostly wonder why I have become a target for lost men of whom I care deeply for. I want to be what they need. I struggle to reconcile differences. I struggle to make myself the woman I know I can be. For them, but not so much for me.
The girl inside this body just wants her hobby above all. It’s the ultimate goal and the ultimate fixation to reach the goals underneath the headline “fish keeping.” I want to be a master breeder of many species. I want to model my career around my expertise and passion. That’s all I know with unfailing confidence. Confidence in nearly every other area fails.
This experiment may be poised to make my life a more intense misery than any I could imagine. I may also exaggerate on behalf of incredible fears. I don’t know that I can connect with people, truly. I don’t know how to keep myself from separation.