He asked me out. I gave an ultimatum without really knowing I had done so. I wanted to be something to someone. So now I am. But it turns out, I was something to many people all along. I was something worth caring for. The only difference is now the hopes of others have been crushed. Never deciding may have been nice, for I would have never hurt a soul. And I’m always happy with just me. I digress. I could never perpetually balance three.
By today, I have been dating him the better part of a month in complete exclusion. It has been a good time. He’s the winner of my company simply because he requested it explicitly. Well, not quite that simple. He has also been the most emotionally available. Even so, I feel the pain of the other two men I have cared for. I would not assume that they miss me or feel a void without. No, that’s not how I function. Rather, I have received many forms of proof. Though the look in their eyes tells me the most. And when I meet eyes with either man, I forget I have given myself to someone. For a minute, I get lost in the gaze and the feelings that have remained begin to stir. Then he breaks the gaze in recognition of the barrier between us. Or continues to look in a longing fashion until I come to and command my body to move along. It is a time of mourning for some. Mostly I just wonder why I cannot be steadfast in my decision. Why do I allow that gaze at all?
I’m an honest woman, I like to think. I don’t cheat. My good friend and ex is turning 26 tonight. I know he feels his time is wasting. He’s getting older and women these days don’t care for his “wait until marriage” stance. He hasn’t been in a relationship since we broke up over a year ago. He split with me. But up until recently, we have been in good standing. I have looked to him for comfort since last summer. We refused to ever date again. I think he was starting to realize I was special. He definitely feels it now. I invited him over for food, because he always polishes off leftovers like a champ. He ate. We had small talk. And then….he wanted to leave. He shook my hand. I gave him a hug. He has a bit of a beard coming in recently. I point it out to him. He says he simply stopped caring. In that moment, I died inside. I felt the crushing feeling he felt. I can empathize pretty decently and it was a horrendous feeling. I used to make him so happy…..but now only pain remains. Because he knows he cannot feel my lips against his. It may never happen again. But my heart has split in chunks and he owns a piece for all of our misadventures and for the two years plus that I have known him so well. I wish we could have gotten along better. Before it was too late.
I know another soul in some capacity. When he discovered I was no longer single, he abruptly said to me “So I saw your facebook status….I’m happy for you.” But he had a pained look in his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes. Blue like mine. Of course I’m happy. But I’m not happy that he’s unhappy. Except recently this soul began to pick up in my proximity. He was whistling cheerfully and joking. And he told me big changes were taking place. Good things. I’m overjoyed inside. But then he still seems hopeful. I guess I have a harder time breaking the gaze with a man with blue eyes.
So now I’m stewing. I’ve made my choice, because the choice was so clear. I can only date a man who presents himself as dating material. I want a standard for myself. I want to be with people who actively do nice things for me. I want to be with people who send me messages in the morning that say “good morning beautiful” or better yet people who stay the night with me because they can. Because why in the hell wouldn’t they? I’m very good company.
Still, I have a hectic summer schedule to maintain. I’m taking an online class, an internship, and working two jobs to the best of my ability. Not only all of that, I have a hobby that demands attention. My first love is always the fish. My first love is myself and my interests. But my second love may forever be contested grounds if I cannot learn to let things go. If I cannot learn what compliments me best in my heart.