In honor of the countless documentaries I consume on mother nature, I look upon today as a fight for survival. It is the selection for fitness that occurs in these blustery winters. I have the will not to perish. But the desire to go away for a bit. To fade into shadows and stray far from disease-harboring crowds. What makes the task impossible is the need to attend classes and the necessity for jobs and wages. Humans in this climate have not yet taken on the hibernation period our fellow mammals endorse. I sit back and watch when I can have the luxury of indoors the events that unfold in the lives of others. People are fairly sick. Newborns have many problems this time of year. Haven’t we learned to foal in the spring yet??? No? Well, of course not. the scourge of the planet cannot afford a season off. So our offspring get sick. we crowd into small, warm spaces. Dust collects. Life is a struggle.
It makes me sick to speak of it even in blog form. I’m restless. My head is straining from the constant exposure to cold winds and my skin breaks upon itself into sores to bleed. It is much too dry. It is much too unforgiving. The stress wracks my muscles and bones. Every day of beauty snapped up by conditions worse than tolerable. I want to die a million times over on days like this. Because survival is so meaningless at times. Yes, I still question my role. I know well what nature intends for me. But I fear what man intends. I fear what I intend, when my wishes are to disappear. More sleep would do. More comfort would do. Less people would be even better. But we are all busy with survival. Which means driving on slippery streets and also cramming into tight warm places where germ ridden breaths are shared by all. It means dying to survive. To all survive.
I know I’m being cynical. I do indulge on many occasions. I could never hurt a fly. but I see what is unfolding. And I contemplate what it means to accommodate more with less. I suppose it is good to know…..the struggle befalls many. And many will fall who cannot cope. I am coping. But for the purpose of keeping quiet and keeping pulse. When the thaw comes I can only hope…..
Through a series of informative lectures and personal observations that coincided almost perfectly, I find my mind further lost in the hopeless sea that efforts are for such little gain. The world is a global habitat now, and everything will homogenize at alarming rates. This means, for a girl who cherishes diversity in life….that diversity will suffer.
I have long noticed this pattern of righting wrongs and the desire to go back to nature. An overwhelming guilt plagues the wary individuals of successive generations since the human colonization of every continent. This guilt says we have to hit the undo button, or life will spiral downward. I’m one of those wary individuals. I’m stuck at odds with what I love and what I see. And what needs to continue to be. Humans crave stability, but a healthy planet is nothing near 100% stable. And the world is changed daily.
The path I have chosen for education and career is precisely what I was born for. The problem lies in the people. I can’t decide if the people are the problem or the ally. I can’t decide if I’m fighting them or I’m helping them. The name of the game is serving human interest, even in the most grandiose of purported conservation. I’m supposed to speed up the process of managing resources, with this fisheries degree I stand to obtain. But I just don’t know what stable mindset I should support to tackle the vast complexity of issues.
The slew of thoughts I now entertain came from the trigger of a most random event. Last night, I was picking apples from my place of origin in Charlotte, Michigan. I was to bring the produce twenty minutes north to Lansing. And I distinctly remember, as I examined each apple for insects and imperfections, that I had a fleeting concern for the transportation of unknown or unwanted organisms to nonnative habitat. Of course, I had to laugh at myself. Too late for that worry. It was too late before I was born.
Planes take off and land daily from destinations hundreds of miles apart. This happens just…..beyond control. You can’t stop the mixing of life forms. You can’t keep things pure. Pure does not exist. I have even read articles that persuade quite convincingly the likelihood of humans becoming all one race with the increased occurrence of interbreeding. Management processes only slow the inevitable. Because, inevitably, there is no stopping the will of the living. Animals will flourish where they can, just as humans continue to do. Flora, Fauna, pathogens, amoeba, what have you….if it can take over, it will. And that is the reality of all life on earth. Humans unleashed this monstrosity before it could ever emerge on its own. The mixing and mixing that goes on before our eyes. And when we try to impose human interest on it…..
What’s the point?